The psych appointment went okay enough. (And I am typing this one handed while walking home). At the very least, I seem to have avoided saying anything that would have made them worry that I was Even Crazier or something. The doctor seemed fine as psych doctors go. As in, I told her I was nervous and she said that was understandable rather than being all “ok Prozac time!”. But then afterward they surprised me by saying they needed to take my vitals (heart rate, bp, weight).
Which, yeah, is good to do now and then but I have this tendency to stress myself silly, start breathing like a hamster, and shoot my pulse up over 100 whenever someone gets near me with a sphygmomanometer. Between that and the fact that I had just ridden my razor scooter 3 miles to get to the appointment, I was definitely not in the double digits at first. So they made me sit there until it went down, which I guess happened once I started breathing in a less rodent-like manner. But good grief people, telling me repeatedly to “just relax!” and then wondering why it isn’t working? Is about as logical as kicking me in the face over and over again and wondering aloud why my nose won’t stop being swollen.
There’s one medication I take, that actually helps me, that I need to periodically see a psychiatrist regarding. It would be a gross understatement to say I’ve had some bad experiences with psychiatry. Which is why I was so relieved to have found my previous psych about 5-6 years ago, and why I went into a minor panic when I received the letter saying she was moving into pediatric psychiatry exclusively.
On the one hand, I’m happy that she (my old doctor) will be there for more kids. If a kid is being brought to a psychiatrist in the first place, they likely have no real choice in the matter, and it’s nice to think that if they HAVE to see a psych, they’ll get to see one who won’t erase their personhood or gaslight them or whatnot.
On the other hand, though…gah, it’s just kind of nerve-wracking thinking about going into a room with a psychiatrist I’ve never met before, while she tries to figure out who I am and what I’m doing there in the space of 45 minutes.
Plus I always have this weird fear that I’m going to get one of those people who “doesn’t believe in autism in adults”, or who will insist to me that I have an anxiety disorder (which seems to be almost a default assumption for a lot of people encountering autie females). Or who, like one of my old horrible psychs (the one who told me I “wasn’t functioning as highly as I should be”, WTF), will flip out over the fact that “looking less autistic” isn’t a priority for me.
So yeah. I am a wee bit anxious about this afternoon, but good grief, who wouldn’t be? Hopefully it will be no big deal at all but I seriously can’t wait for this appointment to be over.